Derek West
With the new season of my web series to begin shooting this year for a spring premiere, and the articles I write for this web mag I love so much, I find myself pandering to my Facebook friends. A lot.
It's not that I mean to pander to them. Half of them pay no attention to my rambling. However, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I simply believe that what I do is worth people seeing, and reading. I believe that since what I have to say matters to me, it should matter to everyone else just as much. I my friends am a "self promoting" Facebook friend. Which brings us to this weeks article.
There are many types of Facebook friends, and it's not always easy to determine which kind you are. But for the sake of time we will break it down into the following categories:
The "non face-booking" Facebook friend:
this guy or girl seems to have gotten a Facebook page and then forgotten they got a Facebook page, because they literally NEVER Facebook. Typically the last entry on their time line will be "Tom edited his About Me section 8 months ago" bro, start face-booking or delete your account!
The "ghetto" Facebook friend:This Facebook friend uses phrases like "dats whussup" , "fo sho" and "dis shyt". Typically this Facebook friend will be female and have too many children, and no ambition beyond an apartment with decor from the dollar tree. this Facebook friend has been known to at times be male, but with equal amount of ambition. "dats" not a word!!!
This memory from college is the Facebook friend who apparently never left college because literally ALL they Facebook about is getting drunk. Either that or they Facebook pictures of themselves getting drunk. They never Facebook anything about life, or work, or kids...just booze. You're 30 and still hitting $3 pitcher night @ 4 kegs? My friend, it's officially a problem.
The Facebook new mom:
We ALL have one of these maternal monsters on our friends list. The ones that make us say "ok, we get it. You got knocked up." All statuses resemble the following "little jimmy ate peas today" or "little jimmy pooped his diaper" not to mention the barrage of pictures were forced to endure. I understand being a new parent is exciting, but let me let you in on a secret, you're children are always cuter to you than they are to everyone else...get me?
Ah yes, this Facebook friend never has anything good to say...ever. It's always the same thing about how shitty life is. Theyre always sick, or depressed, or hurt, or angry. Never anything positive. Your statuses are depressing me! More times than not the depressionists are not really even depressed. Just fishing for compliments. Either stop depressing us with your bleak status updates, or do what people did before social networking sites...off yourself.
The "Song Lyric" Facebook friend:
Every status is a song lyric. Every single one! Have you nothing to offer us but regurgitated Bob Seger lyrics!? This is not to be confused with the "Other people's quotes" Facebook friend, who just steal inspirational quotes off google and post them as their status.
The "I only post photos of myself" Facebook friend:
"here's me in my bathroom mirror!" "now here's me at the bar" "here I am cooking eggs" "oh and here i am laying on my back in my bed with my camera phone tilted to the left ever so slightly" This Facebook narcissist wants to make sure we don't forget how attractive they consider themselves. They are another Facebook friend that tends to be female, and will have a slew of pictures of themselves making the "kissing face" pose, but can and will at times be male, with a slew of pictures of themselves wearing sunglasses...both indoors AND at night. Don't be afraid of a douche in shades...oh no!
The "My life is better than yours" Facebook friend:
This guy or girl on our list is constantly reminding us of how awesome their life is. They're telling us about how they're on a yacht in the south of France, or about how they golfed with the ambassador of Sweden. They will insert even the most minute details just to remind us how sweet their life is..."just used my full body shower for the first time! Cost me 15,000 but hey, it's worth it!" damn you! You're turning us into Facebook depressionists!
These are of course broad generalizations, and let's face it most of us are a little of all these types of Facebook friends. The key is to not allow yourself to become strictly a "non facebooking friend" or an "always having sex" Facebook friend, and just be a normal Facebook friend. Because at the end of the day that's what Facebook is for, to stay in contact with each other, without the petty annoyances that keep us all from being ACTUAL friends.
With all that said make sure to "like" The Street Evol on Facebook. Follow us on twitter @thestreetevol. Friend us on Google+. Follow me on twitter @findingderek. And stay tuned for the new season of The Show Show coming this spring...like I said, I'm a "self-promoting" Facebook friend...
THE STREET EVOL IS STREET LOVE
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